Navigating the Holidays When You’re Planning a Wedding
Being engaged around the holidays can feel a bit like a Hallmark movie. You have your matching PJs. You’re drinking hot cocoa out of your “just engaged” mugs. And maybe you’re snuggled under a cozy blanket gazing at your first tree together.
But, depending on your family, it can also be a really stressful time and bring about some difficult situations.
In order to help you navigate the holidays in a way that feels respectful, manageable, and perhaps even joyful, here are my best tips.
Start making your holidays plans early.
When possible, it’s best to start planning your holidays a bit earlier than you may normally. Talk with your partner about each of your expectations for how you’ll spend the holidays. And make sure to include each of your families’ expectations, as well.
This is not an area to assume one way or another. Talk it out. Ask questions. And plan ahead.
Pro tip: If your families are spread out (like ours), remember that it’s sometimes easier to celebrate the holiday on a different day.
Yes, Christmas Day might be December 25th on the calendar. But there’s no rule as to when you can get together as a family to have a tasty meal, exchange presents, and spend some quality time together.
Maybe it’s December 23rd. Maybe it’s December 28th. Heck, maybe it’s January 15th.
As long as you and your family are on the same page, I find it’s far less stressful to do it that way vs. trying to squeeze it all in within one 24-hour period.
You and your partner need to be a united front.
Oof. This is a biggie, my friends.
It’s ok and expected for you and your partner to have varying levels of opinions about different aspects of your wedding day. But when visiting with family — especially family that has STRONG opinions — the two of you must remain a united front when speaking with them.
Before you even step foot in the door, talk it out and have a good team huddle for two.
Don’t allow your family to gang up on your partner and vice versa. If you (respectfully) stand together as a united front, it will be MUCH easier to talk through.
You don’t have to agree, but you can simply leave it with, “We hear what you’re saying and appreciate your input. Ultimately, that’s something that we’re going to talk through and decide together.”
After you leave and it’s just the two of you again, you can talk through anything that came up and how you want to handle it.
Each partner should be the primary person handling their family members.
Sometimes one partner in the relationship has the difficult family, while other times it’s both. (More rarely, it’s neither and if that’s you, count yourself extremely lucky.)
Either way, whichever partner’s family is presenting their steadfast opinions, the partner whose family it is should be the primary communicator with them.
For example, if your Mom is adamant that you should have a full, open bar, but you want to keep it more simple with just beer, wine, and a signature drink (and she isn’t paying for said bar) — YOU need to be the one the lead the conversation with your Mom about why that’s not the route you prefer to take. Don’t let your partner look like the “bad guy”.
Everyone has opinions… unfortunately.
We all know the saying, “Opinions are like arseholes. Everyone’s got ‘em.”
Unfortunately, that’s true. And whether someone has been a bridesmaid 8x, recently got married themselves, attended 20 weddings in the past year, or has never been to a wedding ever — many folx will be keen to share their opinions with you of what you should and shouldn’t do for your wedding.
On the whole, I find that most of these people are well-intentioned. What they’re trying to share with you often comes from a good place. Whether it’s helpful or not… perhaps that happens far less often.
While it can get a bit obnoxious, every now and then, someone might share an actual gem.
Because of this, and because people LOVE to think they’re being helpful, here’s a response you’re welcome to use for better or worse:
“Oh, that’s an interesting idea, thank you. We’ll have to think about that some more.” [And then promptly change the subject.*]
*This last bit is KEY. Move on if you don’t want to hear more. Talk about the decorations, the food, their lives — everyone loves talking about themselves.
It can be a weird time for gift giving.
If you’re planning on investing five-plus figures on your wedding, it can make your financials a bit tighter than previous holidays.
First, talk with your partner about exchanging gifts. Is it better to put that money towards the wedding? Or the honeymoon? Or maybe plan a small getaway for a week or two before the wedding to re-focus and get excited for the big day?
Second, discuss with your families. If you prefer to save your money, you can communicate that and focus on just spending time together. Or maybe it’s a good year for a Secret Santa?
(Don’t forget: Framed engagement photos make great and relatively affordable gifts for parents.)
It is ok for others to get engaged.
This is very rarely a scenario I hear from my clients, but it’s definitely something I’ve come across when hosting the Put A Ring on It podcast and reading through some wedding-related Facebook groups.
When another couple gets engaged at the holidays, it can sometimes feel like they’re trying to “copy” you or steal your thunder.
But at the end of the day, many, many, many people get engaged each year and the holidays are the #1 most popular time for it to happen.
So if your not-so-great self starts to have a less-than-kind reaction to said proposal, try to take a step back and remember that you’re not the only person who’s allowed to be engaged. And showing happiness, love, and support for that couple will go MUCH, MUCH further than shooting eye daggers their way.
I know the holidays can be tough for a lot of people. Hopefully these tips help you navigate them in a way that you can be proud of and result in the least amount of waves.
