What to Consider Before Asking Children To Be In Your Wedding Party
Children can be an adorable addition to your wedding party. But they can also add a level of stress and logistical hurdles that might not be something you want for your wedding day.
If you’re on the fence about the idea of including children in your wedding party, here are the questions to consider before making your final decision.
Are you only asking them out of obligation?
First and foremost, don’t let anyone pressure you into making a child be part of your wedding party.
You and your partner are allowed to make that decision together and decide what’s best for you. Not having your adorable-as-pie niece be your flower girl does not mean you love her (or her parents) any less.
How old is the child?
In my experience, children that are six or older are best suited to being part of the wedding party. Though every child’s maturity level is a bit different and that certainly needs to be taken into account.
Personally, I find that there is such a thing as a child being “too young”. For example, if a little one is three or under, it’s definitely a BIG ASK to have them stay entertained, happy, fed, calm, and content for an extended period of time. Their attention spans are (understandably) limited and wedding days are LOOOONG days for them.
Many small children have set routines or schedules that involve food, naps, play, and snuggles. Wedding days often don’t allow them to keep that schedule. When you’re little, any disruption in your schedule can really throw you off and eventually lead to a meltdown.
And when meltdowns happen, the stress levels of everyone around them goes up as well. Including yours.
Want to know the most common time for this meltdown to peak? Right when the excitement of the morning wears off, and they’re starting to feel hungry, tired, thirsty, or just need a hug. Most times, this is in the afternoon – almost exactly the same time as when your ceremony is about to begin. Brilliant timing, right?
On the other hand, children who are six or older are typically a bit better at “going with the flow” and understanding WHY their routine that day is out of the ordinary. That doesn’t mean they will be 100% perfect and content either, they just have more reasoning skills available to access at their age.
Photos by The Kruks from Chloe and Matt’s Vault 634 Wedding
How comfortable is the child with new experiences?
There are some children that will RISE to the occasion of having all eyes on them and feeling the weight of expectations placed on their shoulders. Others will want nothing more than to hide behind their nearest parents’ leg in fear.
While a child who is more outgoing is not guaranteed to walk perfectly down the aisle and pose for 45 minutes of photos, it’s also not fair to expect a child who’s more shy to not cooperate either. But asking anything of a child that makes them feel uncomfortable, is something very important to listen to and respect.
Also, children are VERY sensitive to the emotions around them. By nature, weddings create a lot of energy and emotions are often more elevated than usual. Kids can absolutely pick up on this and often react to it, without even realizing it.
Are either or both of their parents also in the wedding party?
As a parent, it can be incredibly difficult to balance the “getting ready” portion of the day while also tending to the child’s needs. To the point that I see parents in that position leaving the wedding early because they’re simply exhausted from the day.
Becuase of this, I don’t recommend asking any child to be in the wedding party if both of their parents or guardians are also in the wedding party.
Unless there’s another adult the child is familiar and comfortable with (who does not need to play a major role in the wedding day) who can focus most of their energy on getting the child ready and entertained, you’ll be doing the parents a MAJOR favor by not adding that to their shoulders.
Does the child have siblings that will not be in the wedding party?
If you’re planning on asking a child to be part of your wedding party, but they have siblings who will not, this can be incredibly difficult to navigate or explain. The sibling that’s not asked can feel excluded and not as “special”. And jealousy is a tough feeling to fully unpack and work through when you’re little.
With siblings, it’s best to include ALL or NONE*.
*The exception here is if the sibling not included is simply too young.
Photo by Pat robinson Photography from Selina and John’s rose bank winery wedding
What are your expectations for them?
Weddings are very similar to plays, except there’s months of planning and very, very little time to actually rehearse anything.
Most weddings will have a ceremony rehearsal, often the day before, where the participants of the ceremony will attend and review the “moving parts” of the ceremony. This includes practicing the processional (entrance), recessional (exit), readings, ring exchange and more.
For children in the wedding party, this rehearsal is a great time for them to practice their role, too – just like the adults.
Unfortunately, how a child does at the rehearsal isn’t guaranteed to be the same on the wedding day. I’ve seen a rehearsal be a bit rough for them, and the wedding day, they’re cute as buttons, ready to go – and vice versa.
The more expectations that you, as the couple, place on their little shoulders, the more can and will go wrong. The more you push, the worse it all gets. Don’t place too much expectation on what they will and won’t do. Allow them to find their way and do as much or as little as they want.
(And, have a plan for what happens if they need some time away. Is there a parent, guardian, or grandparent they feel comfortable with that can scoop them up and focus 100% on them without worrying about missing any part of the wedding?)
But who will carry the rings if there’s no ring bearer?
Spoiler alert: Children are almost NEVER given the real wedding rings. 😳
The rings are often given to an honorary member of the wedding day (like a Best Man) to hold. This allows the child to do whatever is best in the moment (like use the bathroom) without worrying about it disrupting any bit of the wedding itself.
How will the child be transported between locations?
Depending on the child’s age, a car seat might be needed for transportation. This is not something provided by transportation companies, so you’ll need to talk with the child’s parents/guardians about how they’ll get to where they’re needed.
Some parents opt to drive themselves, others allow to join the adults in the limo or on the party bus. But it should always be up to the parents for the safety of their child.
Photo by Nina Lily Photography
What I Recommend When It Comes to Having Children in the Wedding Party
Overall, it’s rare that I recommend having children in the wedding party. It adds stress to their parents/guardians, and puts a lot responsibility on their shoulders. It also makes the couple’s day more stressful, too. You can still invite them to the wedding (or give their parents an adult-only reception to enjoy together sans kiddos) without the added expectations.
If you do opt to include children in your wedding party, here’s what I recommend:
Keep their role proportionate to their age and maturity level – Younger children should have far less tasks and expectations than older children.
Have a backup plan for someone who can focus 100% on the child and doesn’t play a major role in the day – For example, if it’s it your niece that you’re including, your Mom (a.k.a. their grandmother) would NOT be the person who could take care of them if needed, because she’s going to watch YOU get married.
Let them be “off the hook” after the ceremony and photos – It’s not necessary to include them in introductions and any formalities at the reception. Give them the option to change into a more comfy outfit or pair of shoes and let their hair down. Or better yet, work with a local babysitter who can watch them in a nearby room or at the hotel while the parents enjoy themselves at the reception.
Keep their time dedicated to photos to a concentrated minimum – You’re going to lose their focus and patience after a few minutes. Plan your photos around having all the kid photos done in one shot, as much as possible. Similar to grandparents, get them done first.
Talk with the parents in advance – Don’t assume on any front. Ask what their child will need and what you’ll need to plan around by having them in the wedding party. Do they need a high chair? What time do they need to arrive? How long are they able to stay?
Want to hear more of my thoughts about having kids in the wedding party and even inviting kids to your wedding? Listen to episode 83 of the Put A Ring on It Podcast, “Involving Kids In Your Wedding Plans”.
